Change is the only thing that we can count on in life. While we can expect change, it is often difficult for many people to adapt to it. This often leads to undue stress, which is especially overwhelming during these uncertain times.
While stress is a normal part of life and is a necessary for growth and development, too much stress can often lead to an inability to cope.
Why are some people able to manage stress better than others?
The answer lies in their capacity to recover more quickly from adversity. This ability to successfully adapt to life’s challenges or difficult experiences is defined as resilience. Although some people naturally have greater resilience than others, the good news is that this mental, emotional, and behavioral capacity can be cultivated and nurtured. Through practice and intention, we can strengthen the muscle of resilience.
Resilience is NOT about avoiding stress and suffering.
We live in an age of instant gratification, where our “wants” are given into immediately. This ranges from same-day or next-day deliveries of packages, to instant news from around the world, to mouth-watering meals at any time of day or night.
The rates of anxiety and mental health issues in children are at an all time high. One of the factors that may be contributing to this epidemic is how we parent. While every parent wants to provide their kids what they didn’t have as a child, it is important for children to meet some hardship. The concept of delayed gratification, and not being able to get exactly what they want, is critical in the development of this capacity. Without some measure of suffering or meeting this wall of discomfort, resilience is not possible.
Here are some tools and practices that can help to strengthen the muscle of resilience.
1. Connection with others
The nature of life is connection. From the moment we take our first breath, we rely on others to meet our needs. This co-regulation is defined by reciprocal regulation of autonomic states, or simply attuning to another in a way that provides a sense of safety and connection. Being able to trust and feel safe with another person is foundational to self-regulation.
The ability to feel safe means that the body is not in a survival response, and is instead in a place where growth, healing and social engagement is possible. This basic need is often unmet for many in childhood. While most people know of Darwin’s “survival of the fittest”, research in neuroscience and biology has shown us that it is more accurately described as “survival of the nurtured”. By tending to the mental, emotional, and autonomic needs of one another, we can support each other to not only survive, but thrive through difficult times.
While our past experiences shape us, we continue to be re-shaped by our present moments. Through co-regulation in our safe and supportive relationships, we are able to nurture the fundamental ability to regulate our own nervous system, and offer the capacity for resilience.
2. Planting seeds of Gratitude and Joy
Neuroscience shows us that “neurons that fire together, wire together”. What you practice does grow stronger. This concept not only applies to training your physical body, but also your mental capacity. By tending the soil, and planting the seeds of goodness, of gratitude, and of joy, it starts to deepen those pathways. A daily intention to nourish gratitude and joy allows those qualities to be present and accessible during challenging situations that require
resilience.
3. Savour the Positive
Our biology primes us for survival. The limbic system is a part of our brain that consists of many structures that are involved in our survival responses. The amygdala is an almond shaped area in the limbic system that acts as our body’s smoke detector. Once primed for fire, it goes off when it smells any hint of smoke. These responses are subconscious, and reflexive and do not require the thinking portions of our brain to be involved. This makes absolute sense for when we are in danger, it is necessary to “react” to the circumstances to get us to safety.
It is common to experience many positive things in your day, but focus on that one negative thing that happened. Biologically speaking, we have a bias towards danger and negative experiences, which get encoded in our nervous system immediately. It takes effort and attention for positive experiences to be encoded.
Neuroscience shows us that it takes 23 extra seconds for this encoding to happen! To be able to take in the positive we need to savour those moments a little bit longer. Whether that is taking a few moments to bask in the wonder of a sunset or feeling the warmth and comfort of a cup of coffee, savouring those many moments and feelings of “ahh-ness”, allows for these positive experiences to become resources to be drawn upon during moments of difficulty.
4. Being with the experience not in the experience
Part of nurturing resilience includes a mindfulness practice. As we develop and practice present moment awareness, we start to notice the thoughts and stories that evolve out of our experiences. Space is created by being with the experience rather than being engulfed by it. This allows for the ability to disentangle the emotions and stories from the actual experience.
Awareness of present moment sensations in the body can often lead to underlying beliefs about oneself or the world. This can include “I have to work hard for what I want”, or “Life is difficult”, or “Money doesn’t grow on trees”. The stories or beliefs that may have once served a purpose are often not helpful in strenuous situations. However, the opening and unravelling of these beliefs and stories can deepen self-awareness and allow for a whole-hearted presence that is needed during times of stress.
While these practices provide a great start to developing resilience and managing stressors of life, there may be circumstances that require additional support. Information on techniques in Mind-Body medicine can be found here.
Please reach out to a health care provider or mental health professional if you are under significant distress.